dropped like a hot akara sometime before February as unattainable, or
just plain boring. All through last year, we watched our celebrities
and critiqued their behaviour. Maybe we shouldn’t have. Maybe we
should let them make their own mistakes.
Or maybe we should assess celebrity behaviour in 2014 and determine
which celebrities could use some suggestions for their New Year’s
Resolutions to make 2015 a great year. And that’s just what we’ve
done. So Don Jazzy, Cossy, Omosexy and others, listen up.
Afro Candy: We already know what you look like with a pubic haircut.
Now can you please get into character as a porn-star. We’ve had enough
of the teasers. It is becoming boring already. We want the real deal
in 2015. Give us a hit movie that will make headlines and put you on
magazine covers. Bare your fangs, shake that floppy ass and make the
teenage boys happy.
Cossy: Our advice is twofold: first of all, it’s clearly time to
invest in some bra. This should be the year to get those boobs cupped
and wrapped up. Secondly, change your hustle. Your personality could
be revealing in a talk show: put your mind to it, I am sure great
offers will come in.
Baba Suwe: Egbon, we love you and we will always love to see you in as
many movies as possible. But are we ever going to see you act without
the black paint on your face?
Mr. Ibu: A lot of people make resolutions to lose weight, get strong
and buff, quit smoking or drinking in order to become healthier. Is
this the year that Mr. Ibu finally hits the gym for a six-pack form?
Pete Edochie: Since the death of Amaleze “The Cat,” one question that
has been asked over and over again is when our beloved Pete Edochie is
going to shave his beards. Just in case the chief decides to visit a
salon this year, please someone should quickly remove the kolanuts and
palmwine keg from the table. Yes, you may have to hide those wrappers
and hats if we are ever going to see the chief in suit anytime before
rapture. We’ll also love to see him play other roles than His Royal
Highness, Chief Ohazurumba 1 of Ohaji Egbema Kingdom that he has been
playing since the days of “Things Fall Apart.” Sir, we know you can do
it.
Don Jazzy: The experimental singing was good for last year but 2015
should be the year of the vocalist. And bros, you have hidden under
the shade for too long. The hot babes are crying and the queue is
getting too long. Will 2015 finally reveal “Mrs. Don Jazzy?”
Tuface: Your album last year was good but it also revealed the fact
that you have lost your vocal strength. It won’t be a bad idea to
engage the services of a voice coach in 2015.
Dbanj: Last year wasn’t a good year for you musically. The songs
didn’t come out well, especially the collaborations. I’ll suggest you
take a total break from music in 2015 and get re-inspired.
Omawunmi: You have found the right spot between Highlife, Pop and RnB.
You pitched your tent perfectly well in our hearts in 2014. Whatever
inspired those beautiful songs is worth holding on to.
Waje: Awww we love you. Your voice is like the sound of the morning
spring. But ermmm please leave the skimpy dresses to the peperempes.
Jim Iyke: No matter what people say about him, naija movie scene has
been boring without him and the drama that comes with him. Jim, we
will be happy to see you back in the spotlight this year, making
movies and reminding us that you’re a fine actor. It would be nice to
see you star in your own movie, maybe with Nadia.
Miss Sindodo: After a long spell away, you bounced back in 2014 and we
are glad about your “amazing” recovery. But your black knuckles and
over-bleached skin call for immediate attention this 2015. One movie
we will love to see made in Nollywood this year is “How Stella
Snatched My Husband” starring Doris and produced by Daniel.
Halima Abubakar: Acting shouldn’t be a do or die affair. Try other
professions or better still, take a professional course in acting.
Omosexy: Everyone says you are arrogant. This should be the year to
make a better impression.
Stephanie Okereke: When are we going to finally start seeing your
movies for real and not just seeing them “Through The Glass?”
Olisa: You have held the crown as the oldest bachelor for too long. It
is time to hand over.
Tonto: What do you really do? It is becoming more difficult to tell
these days. It’s a tough industry, we know. But we’re begging you:
please stop jumping from one thing to another. Getting into character
as a role model does require a bit of focus.
Happy new year everyone!
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