“…I just want a God-fearing man…”
***Spoiler alert** this is not a sermon, sorry. For deep religious
perspective, maybe I will do that in some other article.
***Safety alert** to the men reading this (but then I can’t understand
why, I mean, just take a look at the title) …the wrath of some ladies
is about to be incurred. You are strongly advised to proceed to place
empty pot over head as detailed in diagram 1 of the included leaflet
on precautionary measures, and to hold the pot cover in the fashion
illustrated there.
After extensive and in-depth field research within its expected
natural habitat, our scientists have made some salient findings
concerning the “god-fearing man” (…well, the version of such a man
most girls have in their minds, anyway)
It isn’t that he is scarce, or that you haven’t searched properly or
prayed well enough. And it’s certainly not that he doesn’t like women,
or that he is always in the church and does not want to be found. It
is just one simple, constant fact.
The man does not exist.
Our scientists shall explain:
“…I just want a God-fearing man…” is all well and good for a woman to
say, when that is what she actually wants. But then, she would also
have to ask herself this question
“Would a God-fearing man want me?”
Now, back to our findings… Ladies, what some of you really want is a
“god-fearing man” who can also eat you up expertly and slay you with
the stamina of a horny pornstar juiced on sildenafil.
I don’t think the Holy Spirit inspires men that way… but I’ll ask next
Sunday just to make sure.
Now, consider a scenario where a man is holding together his household
as reasonably as this messed up economy of ours permits. He has his
shit together and he does his family responsibilities as he should.
Every other thing is fine except for one oft repeated statement
“…he doesn’t satisfy me sexually…”
—–
****Disclaimer** We have no personal experience in the collation of
that sort of data
Doro boss… Hmmm… Doro skillful… Ehen!
More importantly, our research fellows have heard it said on many
different online fora by many other people, so they know of what they
speak.
—–
But hold on. First of all consider that the man in question is in no
way impotent, and that after the day’s exhaustion of doing his work
diligently as a God-fearing man should; promptly, without avoiding it
and without cutting corners, he still returns home early.
Note that here I said “home”, not mama Nkechi’s beer parlour that is
just down the street and around the corner, close-by.
He returns home to give you some sweet-sweet loving as best a healthy
man can, but his efforts – which should be seen as no way sloppy to
someone without a gene for nymphomania – begin to fall flat to your
expectations of wild, tantric and acrobatic sex.
“…He doesn’t care enough to go down on me…”
****Personal advice** I think you should consider that at least he
doesn’t care enough to go down on other women!
Now hold on. This is only for people who are married. I once saw a
seventeen year old holding a placard saying something like “AIDS free
generation… Without condoms, no sex… Be wise enough to condomise…”
blah blah
That boy is supposed to be at home watching Naruto or gaming his
playstation, not thinking about sex without condoms.
Now don’t get me wrong. It is very well known that at that age,
youths’ brains are steeped in the soup of hormones and unrealistic
ideas about love propagated by the media, trashy novels, and misguided
friends.
As my Anambrarian friend would put it
“…Hormones ejero akwukwo. Ha amaro ife…” (hormones didn’t go to
school, they don’t know anything).
What youths of that age need is a sense of purpose. Anything
constructive that takes a huge chunk of their leisure time, be it
extra reading to acheive higher grades at school and get more swag for
that… or something as simple as beating a new game’s high score.
Not least of all, the ever important need for the guidance from their parents.
If all these are done, perhaps there would be fewer of the broken
heartsreconcilable with prematurely broken hymens, and respite from
porn, frequent masturbation and from embarassing erections that occur
at random.
But I digress…
The results of our findings have led our team to believe that this is
what most women who say “I just want a God-fearing man…” actually
mean:
“…I just want a player whose attentions would remain solely with me…”
But that doesn’t even make sense, now does it?
The player, as opposed to the “God-fearing man” in its natural
habitat, has in the course of his life acquired “a very special set of
skills” which make him the player that he is.
He will look for you… He will find you… And he will *hold your hand* you.
He will *hold your hand* you, reeeeeal good.
Now, some women actually expect a player to forsake all his other
missions and then focus solely on their own objective when they get
married. But how can you reasonably expect him to eschew
thecharacteristics that make him who he is, which was what endeared
you to him in the first place?
Wait. Let me ask Ifa…
But if by any fat chance the player does change, and he’s no longer
the swarthy, sex oozing demi-god you had grown to lust after, sorry…
love, that is when anybody who cares to listen would begin to hear
things like
“…We’ve simply lost our spark…”
In response to this, Socrates made this erudite comment in 659 BC
“Taa! …Spark, faya!” *mtscheww*
—–
****Caveat** As for unmarried adults who have full responsibility for
themselves, it is our firm belief that preaching is a waste of time.
Anyone who has an issue with that could always comment below. People
who pay their own bills should be able to live their lives however
they wish. We shall speak more on that later…
—–
Our researchers also encountered a randomly occurring variable which
came up enough times to make them consider factoring it in
“…You men are heartless…”
Says the recently dumped woman who against better judgement remained
with said player specimen for his extensive narrow point immersion
explorations, where after frequent occasions of passage, “narrow” has
become highly debatable.
In all, from this research, our analysts have drawn the conclusion
that women are the creators of the player specimen. It can be
scientifically proven…
Now consider a body at rest, having negligible momentum to approach
said woman mentioned in the above section because according her:
“…You’re such a great guy. Every girl needs a guy like you… Smart,
caring, intelligent. The girl who finds you will be so lucky…”
***Observation** You yourself, you don’t want to be lucky abi?
Now naturally, the guy’s mind would be something of the nature of
“…WTF?! …I’M A GUY LIKE ME..!”
This will soon become the past though; some identifiable time when he
had thought that being a gentleman would get him the girl he had only
the noblest of intentions for.
“You’re going after the wrong girl” someone might have told him. He
wouldn’t listen.
Following the same pattern, after three or so similar speeches, girl
after girl puts said guy on a long thing.
Guy swears revenge on all women.
Said guy blocks the next chic and sweet-talks her into a dark corner
for “Aru aja” so fast that he wonders what he had been doing wrong all
that time prior. He feels her clawing all over him, dragging him and
licking his… erm… eyeballs… His eyeballs, yes.
****Comment** “Aru aja” could be connotatively said by my friends in
the East to mean “the back to the wall”
It is not a noble art.
Now, the previously momentum-absent body feels all good inside. He
feels a kind of power which had been to him up until that moment, only
described.
A power that he never believed he could exploit because he believed he
could never use it, or be a jerk to a woman simply for the fun of it.
Said guy leads same woman on a jolly ride until he has sucked enough
life-juice from her and then decides to assign himself to a new
mission… Which of course brings us to:
“…You men are heartless…”
Q.E.D
———
The next day’s morning paper headline would probably read like this:
HORROR!!!
WOMAN, (age), CHEWS OFF MAN’S …ERM… EYEBALL. YES, EYEBALL… REMANDED IN
POLICE CUSTODY
WOMAN: “I love him…”
MAN: “Yeeeeh!”
RELATIVES: “It’s the work of the devil”
DEVIL: “…Na today?”
—-
***Conclusion**
So, my people… Enjoy your lives! Get drunk, smoke, orgy, conceive,
abort, have a line of cocaine that’s as long as the River Niger…
“…It’s my life..!”
Steal, murder, kidnap, extort, propagate hateful agenda in the name of
any religion you deem fit.
“…Who go fit stop us..?”
But in all this, just make sure you are ready to bear the full
consequences of your actions ALONE, and not have a backup plan to come
running to a purported foolishly all merciful, and easily deceived
christian God when you realise that your life is upside down and that
with your own hands you have been the sole architect of your doom.
“…The truth will set you free. But first it will make you miserable…”
What I am saying in essence is that there should be sincerity in all
things, especially sincerity to oneself, gender irrespective. No
matter how much we try to deceive ourselves, we all know what is
right. Seek the truth, live the truth, be who you are and have no
apologies for it. In your journey through this life, you’re the only
thing you can’t leave behind.
Written by ANAK ADRIAN
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